So I'm not an american

As I'm sure many of you know, Glenn Beck held a little shin-dig in Washington DC this weekend. At this Conservative Prat Party(get it frat--prat, yep I do puns now) Sarah Palin(who as you all know is one of favorite people in politics) made a speech(I like using parentheses to provide humorous asides, can you tell?) in which she said to the crowd: "Look around you; you are not alone. You are Americans!"

So I can interpret that two ways. 1) I'm not American because I was neither there nor agree with her politics or 2) The crowd was a little confused as to what to chant. One person started chanting "Canada! Canada! Canada!" another yelled "Go Wales!" but the largest group was chanting "Luxembourg! Luxembourg! Luxembourg!". So Mrs. Palin had to go up there and remind them that they were Americans after all. Or maybe it's 3) She was saying something generic and clichéd to whip up a crowd without actually thinking about what the heck it was supposed to mean. Personally I'm going with the 2nd.

I am now going to talk about Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck who basically every liberal worth his or her salt has trashed. Glenn Beck who says thing like Look forward. Look West. Look to the heavens. Look to God and make your choice, Do we no longer believe in the power of the individual? Do we no longer believe in dreams?".

Here is what I want to say about Glenn Beck, He's satirizing the Conservative Media. Seriously, Glenn Beck has basically become Stephen Colbert. What he says is so crazy, so out there, and is performed in such an over-the-top way that he's gotta be joking. Or nuts. Or just in it for the money. Personally(as someone who used to occasionally watch clips of Glenn's CNN show) I'll go for the first one. He used to have a sense of humor and some rational thought. And now he's jumping around, tearing up in a really, really obviously fake way, writing crazy things on a chalk board. It's either money or humor. And I want to go with the humor because Glenn Beck used to strike me as a nice enough guy. He did say some pretty conservative things but he was rational and slightly rational about it. On CNN he did once compare having to choose between Obama, Clinton, or McCain as having to choose between being shot, stabbed, or poisoned, but he was still a little logical. Now he just isn't, but he is very entertaining. And I'm not sure that when I'm laughing at Glenn Beck, he isn't laughing along with me.

Gin and Tonic Jokes

Okay so for those of you who do not know I was in Washington DC this weekend with my book club to go to the ALA Summer Conference. On the first day we were there I told a joke to a friend of mine that intentionally had no punchline. The joke was "A Man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic." I told it to mess with her(I pretended that it was a hilarious joke and she just didn't get), but I then took it upon myself to come up with a joke that revolves around a man walking into a bar and ordering a gin and tonic. Here are the three best results.

The Lovers joke.

A man walks into a bar and sees that the barman is helping a woman so he decides to wait. Suddenly the barman puts his hands on the bar and vaults over the bar and gets down on one knee. He pulls out a ring and says "I know we've only known each other for two minutes but you're the only one for me. Please be my wife!" The woman replies "I know that I don't even know your name, but you're my soul-mate.Yes I'll be your wife. Yes, Yes, Yes Yes YES!" The barman jumps up and embraces the woman. They hug, they kiss, it's romantic, it's passionate. "Hey guys break it up! break it up!" The man says as he runs forward. He pushes the woman out of the way and she sprawls on the floor. "This is important." The man says as he turns to the barman. He pokes a finger into the barman's chest and says "I want a gin and tonic."

The Punchline Joke(The most recent of the gin and tonic jokes)

A man walks into a bar and slams some money on the bar. "I Want a Gin and Tonic and I want it fast. The barman says "Okay man, here you go." The customer takes the glass and throws it on the ground where it smashes. "I said I wanted it fast!" The man yells, "Pour me another." The barman wants to argue with the man but he is kind of a small guy and the customer is built like a linebacker and seems very angry so he just pours him another drink. Again the customer throws the glass on the ground and demands to have another one "fast". The barman pours him another and yet again he smashes it. This goes on for a while with the barman pouring the man a drink and the man smashing it. Finally the barman hands the man the last glass the barman owns and again the customer smashes it and screams "I said I wanted it fast!" The barman has finally had enough and is on the brink of tears. "Look," he says trying to stay calm, "You keep saying you want it fast, but I've poured it for you almost instantaneously. What is it that you want?!" The customer stares off into the distance for a little bit turns back to the barman and says "I'm afraid I've forgotten the punchline."

The Not a Good Idea joke(by far the most popular gin and tonic joke)

A man runs into a bar and slams some money down. "I want a gin and tonic." He gasps, looking around wildly. The barman pours him the drink and he downs it in one gulp. Suddenly police appear from everywhere. They pop out from behind doors, they come out from the floorboards, and some even descend from the ceiling on ropes. They shoot the customer over and over and over again. Then they grab his lifeless body, pull him over to a pole which they have brought in, tie him to it, and set the pole on fire. After the body has been burned they all run off leaving the barman standing there shocked. Another man walks in, looks around, and walks up to the barman. He puts some money down on the bar and says "I'd like a gin and tonic please." The barman slowly shakes his head and says "That's not a good idea.

christmas song part 3

Another Stephen Colbert song

Another Christmas Song

Ho! It’s another Christmas song
Whoa! Get ready brother for another Christmas song
They play for a month, Ad infinitum
One day it struck me someone must write ‘em
So! It’s another Christmas song

Santa clause singing on naughty snow
Reindeer ringing in the mistletoe
The manger’s on fire,
The holly’s a-glow
Hear the baby Jesus cryin’ ho ho ho

Hey! It’s another Christmas song
Yay! Another oft’ returning
Royalty earning Christmas song
I’ve got plenty more so go buy a modem
Log on to iTunes and pay to download ‘em
Pay! For another Christmas song

Chestnuts glisten on a silent night
Sleigh-bells kissing by candle light
The tree is frozen, the winter’s bright
Who’d have thought the wise men look so white

You! Don’t you wanna sing along?
To! My humble yule tide
Dreamed up pool side
Christmas song
Make it a part of your holiday canon
Make it the heart of my retirement plan and
Do! Sing another Christmas song

BEAT IT INTO ‘EM FELLAS!
WATCH MY FEET FLY!

But wait! Who’s this?

Young ones starving on a dead-end street
Taped up tabloids on their frost-bit feet
Hear what they carol as they huddle for heat

[All children:]
Please help the “Colbert Children” eat

Whoa! Just another Christmas song
No! This is like no other Christmas-mother-lovin’-song
Public to whom I'm so proud to have pandered
Please save my family and make this a standard
Go! Join the ever-growing throng
Who are singing
And swingin’
While my kids are clinging to the hope
My register’s ching-ching chinging from the cash I’m bringing
From another Christmas song


Love it!!!

One of the greatest protests ever

Watch this clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2QX9sMV5xI&annotation_id=annotation_362609&feature=iv

Is that not absolutely hilarious? When some people want to protest they go and shout down a meeting. When others want to protest they go and sing a parody of the song Tomorrow.

They were also quite good singers.