Gin and Tonic Jokes

Okay so for those of you who do not know I was in Washington DC this weekend with my book club to go to the ALA Summer Conference. On the first day we were there I told a joke to a friend of mine that intentionally had no punchline. The joke was "A Man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic." I told it to mess with her(I pretended that it was a hilarious joke and she just didn't get), but I then took it upon myself to come up with a joke that revolves around a man walking into a bar and ordering a gin and tonic. Here are the three best results.

The Lovers joke.

A man walks into a bar and sees that the barman is helping a woman so he decides to wait. Suddenly the barman puts his hands on the bar and vaults over the bar and gets down on one knee. He pulls out a ring and says "I know we've only known each other for two minutes but you're the only one for me. Please be my wife!" The woman replies "I know that I don't even know your name, but you're my soul-mate.Yes I'll be your wife. Yes, Yes, Yes Yes YES!" The barman jumps up and embraces the woman. They hug, they kiss, it's romantic, it's passionate. "Hey guys break it up! break it up!" The man says as he runs forward. He pushes the woman out of the way and she sprawls on the floor. "This is important." The man says as he turns to the barman. He pokes a finger into the barman's chest and says "I want a gin and tonic."

The Punchline Joke(The most recent of the gin and tonic jokes)

A man walks into a bar and slams some money on the bar. "I Want a Gin and Tonic and I want it fast. The barman says "Okay man, here you go." The customer takes the glass and throws it on the ground where it smashes. "I said I wanted it fast!" The man yells, "Pour me another." The barman wants to argue with the man but he is kind of a small guy and the customer is built like a linebacker and seems very angry so he just pours him another drink. Again the customer throws the glass on the ground and demands to have another one "fast". The barman pours him another and yet again he smashes it. This goes on for a while with the barman pouring the man a drink and the man smashing it. Finally the barman hands the man the last glass the barman owns and again the customer smashes it and screams "I said I wanted it fast!" The barman has finally had enough and is on the brink of tears. "Look," he says trying to stay calm, "You keep saying you want it fast, but I've poured it for you almost instantaneously. What is it that you want?!" The customer stares off into the distance for a little bit turns back to the barman and says "I'm afraid I've forgotten the punchline."

The Not a Good Idea joke(by far the most popular gin and tonic joke)

A man runs into a bar and slams some money down. "I want a gin and tonic." He gasps, looking around wildly. The barman pours him the drink and he downs it in one gulp. Suddenly police appear from everywhere. They pop out from behind doors, they come out from the floorboards, and some even descend from the ceiling on ropes. They shoot the customer over and over and over again. Then they grab his lifeless body, pull him over to a pole which they have brought in, tie him to it, and set the pole on fire. After the body has been burned they all run off leaving the barman standing there shocked. Another man walks in, looks around, and walks up to the barman. He puts some money down on the bar and says "I'd like a gin and tonic please." The barman slowly shakes his head and says "That's not a good idea.

quote of the day

"So you're above Liberal Elitism, Alex?"
"Yes."

----- My memory of a conversation between Alex and Ben(my co-writers for this blog for those of you who do not know. In Alex's defensive he went on to say that he was actually far below liberal elitism, but I think the point stands.)

quote of the day

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'll hire you as my lawyer."
---Brandon Sanderson

lyrics of the week

When You're With the Doctor by Me

He lives in a blue box
and he comes out of nowhere
and asks you to come fly away with him
you know you should say no
but when a guy offers you space and time
what're you supposed to do
refuse

he takes you to the future
and shows you how the world's going to end
and you meet a face
a freaky face
and then you meet some guy who lives forever
who says he's that face but

when you're with the doctor
all that is normal
when you're with the doctor
anything is possible
when you're with the doctor
your imagination has no bounds
when you're with the doctor

He takes you to meet some friends of his
dickens and Shakespeare
he likes to show off
but when the world is threatened
he will always be there
fighting autons, cybermen
and daleks too

when you're with the doctor
all that is normal
when you're with the doctor
anything is possible
when you're with the doctor
your imagination has no bounds
when you're with the doctor

he had to die today
to save you from an early grave
he's always been a great guy that way
but you're never see his face again
he's changed into a new guy but

when you're with the doctor
all that is normal
when you're with the doctor
anything is possible
when you're with the doctor
your imagination has no bounds
when you're with the doctor

what do you all think?

lyrics of the week

When You're With the Doctor by Me

He lives in a blue box
and he comes out of nowhere
and asks you to come fly away with him
you know you should say no
but when a guy offers you space and time
what're you supposed to do
refuse

he takes you to the future
and shows you how the world's going to end
and you meet a face
a freaky face
and then you meet some guy who lives forever
who says he's that face but

when you're with the doctor
all that is normal
when you're with the doctor
anything is possible
when you're with the doctor
your imagination has no bounds
when you're with the doctor

He takes you to meet some friends of his
dickens and Shakespeare
he likes to show off
but when the world is threatened
he will always be there
fighting autons, cybermen
and daleks too

when you're with the doctor
all that is normal
when you're with the doctor
anything is possible
when you're with the doctor
your imagination has no bounds
when you're with the doctor

he had to die today
to save you from an early grave
he's always been a great guy that way
but you're never see his face again
he's changed into a new guy but

when you're with the doctor
all that is normal
when you're with the doctor
anything is possible
when you're with the doctor
your imagination has no bounds
when you're with the doctor

what do you all think?

quote of the day

"We need fathers to realize that responsibility does not end at conception. ...Too many fathers are MIA, too many fathers are AWOL, missing from too many lives and too many homes. They have abandoned their responsibilities, acting like boys instead of men."
-----President Obama

lyrics of the week

The Way We Live Now
(I'm not going to tell you who this song is by, I want you to guess(Without googeling it))


Alas poor theater I knew it well
forget about the arts funding
it's never coming back

Welcome to the new world order
where science and math reign supreme
welcome to the way we live now
forget about the way it used to be

you have some imagination there boy
don't worry we'll soon take care of that
by giving you things to memorize
and discouraging all independent thought

Welcome to the new world order
where science and math reign supreme
welcome to the way we live now
forget about the way it used to be

forget about your history books
we don't care about the past now
and we don't think about the future
we're living only for today now

put down that paintbrush now boy
you'll never paint again
forget about Picasso and Van Gogh
I don't even know who they are

Welcome to the new world order
where science and math reign supreme
welcome to the way we live now
forget about the way it used to be

Forget about Romeo and Juliet
Forget about Midsummer Night's Dream
I've never even heard of them
and we'll never preform them again

Welcome to the way things are now
Forget about the way things were
Don't ever try and change them
No body cares anymore

welcome to the new world order
where Math and Science reign supreme
welcome to the way we live now
isn't this the way you want to be

quote of the day

"A Dalek fleet. Minimum 12 thousand battleships, armed to the teeth. Ahhhhhhh! But we've got surprise on our side. They will never expect 3 people to attack 12 thousand Dalek battleships...because we'd be killed instantly. So it would be a very short surprise."
--The Doctor in the Pandorica Opens

quote of the day

You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, “I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.”The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, “Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.” But the man shouted back, “I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.”A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, “Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I’ll take you to safety.” But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety.Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. “Lord,” he said, “I’m a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?” God said, “I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the devil are you doing here?”
--Aaron Sorkin The West Wingq

lyrics of the week

AMERICA
Tracy Chapman

You were lost and got lucky
Came upon the shore
Found you were conquering America
You spoke of peace
But waged a war
While you were conquering America

There was land to take
And people to kill
While you were conquering America
You served yourself
Did God's will
While you were conquering America

The ghost of Columbus haunts this world
'Cause you're still conquering America
The meek won't survive
Or inherit the earth
'Cause you're still conquering America

America
America
America

Your found bodies to serve
Submit and degrade
While you were conquering America
Made us soldiers and junkies
Prisoners and slaves
While you were conquering America

America
America
America

You hands are at my throat
My back's against the wall
Because you're still conquering America
We're sick and tired hungry and poor
'Cause you're still conquering America

You bomb the very ground
That feeds your own babies
You're still conquering America
Your sons and your daughters
May never sing your praises
While you're conquering America

America
America
America

I see you eyes seek a distant shore
While you're conquering America
Taking rockets to the moon
Trying to find a new world
And you're still conquering America

America
America
America

The ghost of Columbus haunts this world
'Cause you're still conquering America
You're still conquering America
You're still conquering America

In which I am filled with a righteous anger

I love Agatha Christie and I love the theater so when a friend of mine told me that NC State was performing three Agatha Christie plays over the summer I was very excited. My excitement was in no way lessened when I went to see the first play, A Murder is Announced. I loved most things about it, and I would probably give it Four Stars out of Five(the missing star is due to the fact that I didn't like the way the detective was played and thought that the villain was played in a very obviously creepy way).

Yesterday I went to see what I thought was Death on the Nile, one of Christie's classics with her greatest detective Hercule Poirot. I walk in to the theater with two friends who are also Christie fans and we sit down and wait for the play to being. The set is fantastic and we get pretty good seats so we're feeling pretty good. An announcement comes to turn off cell phones and the play begins.

It starts off well with most of the actors doing pretty well. And then, and then the victim enters. The basic plot of Death on the Nile for those who don't know is that this rich young woman(Linnet)'s best friend(Jackie) is getting married and she(Jackie that is not Linnet) asks Linnet to give her fiancee(Simon) a job. Linnet does so and Simon ends up breaking up with Jackie and marrying Linnet. Jackie as one might assume is less that happy about this and begins to stalk Linnet and Simon as they go on their honeymoon in Egypt. One night on a cruise ship Linnet is murdered in the very way that Jackie had wanted to kill her earlier. However Jackie cannot have done, so who did? It's up to the world famous detective Hercule Poirot to figure it out before anyone else is killed.

Yeah, so here's the problem the play was not Death On the Nile, no it was Murder on The Nile. In Murder on The Nile World famous detective Hercule Poirot is replaced by random clergyman Cannon Something-or-other. Yeah I can't even remember his last name even though I saw it last night. In the book it makes sense for Poirot to handle the case, as he's actually...you know... a detective. In this play the authorities on the ship seem to be totally incompetent as the clergyman is also a suspect, in fact in the book he(or rather the character he's based on) was one of the prime suspects for the murder.

Also, Jackie, poor poor Jackie. By far the most interesting character in the novel. However in the play well.....how about I use an example? The night of the murder Jackie is in the Saloon of the ship and is totally drunk. She is yelling at Simon and finally pulls out a gun and shoots him in the leg. This is a very dramatic scene that is Jackie's crescendo it's when she just can't take any more. It's a very dramatic scene in the novel. So how does the actress playing Jackie in the play decide to play it? By yelling a non-stop string of words at a very high pitch with no inflection.

It was both painful and hilarious. I don't know why that actress got the role but she was really really bad, I'm sorry I really hope her mom isn't reading this but I gotta call it like I see it.

Anyway, to some up this play was bad. And I mean bad. Add to the fact that the main actress couldn't act and that they got rid of the detective in a MURDER MYSTERY a terrible script and you will never have a good play.

I am going to see the final play in this series in a few days and I am really looking forward to it and I am really hoping that I just saw an off night for "Murder" on the Nile.

NC State Theater Fest 2010

A Murder Is Announced: 8/10

Murder on The Nile: 4/10

Spider's web: ?/10

quote of the day

"This song is Copyrighted in U.S., under Seal of Copyright #154085, for a period of 28 years, and anybody caught singin' it without our permission, will be mighty good friends of ours, cause we don't give a darn. Publish it. Write it. Sing it. Swing to it. Yodel it. We wrote it, that's all we wanted to do."
---Message on mimeographed copies of Woody Guthrie lyrics distributed to fans in the 1930s as quoted by Pete Seeger in an NPR interview "Pete Seeger remembers Woody" (1996)

quote of the day

"To punish me for my contempt of authority, Fate has made me an authority myself."
----Albert Einstein

quote of the day

"I have second thoughts. Maybe God is malicious."
--Albert Einstein

quote of the day

"Subtle is the Lord, but malicious He is not."
----Albert Einstein